Slippery Slope...

Hope everyone one is having a wonderful weekend so far...

Mine has been pretty busy so far. Took Daddy to the airport early yesterday morning. He will be spending the summer in Michigan with his mom & extended family. Met up with Mary to help out with her new car/old car drop off. Then spent the day with Kim and her kids, and our friend Brandi swimming. Came home last night and went to bed @ 8...and slept till 9:15 this morning!!! I feel so much better now. Got up this morning and spent 2 hours at the pool...I was the only one there, loved it!!

Regarding the diet this week, I crashed & hit rock bottom. Everyday this week I have been getting closer & closer to my old eating habits. I never set out to do that, but I have every excuse in the book why this happened. Work, hanging out with friends, being too tried to cook, just feeling blah...the list goes on & on. I could go in tomorrow for weigh-in and say "I dont know why I did not lose this week, how can that be!" But all I am doing is kidding myself. Nobody forced me to eat this week, I am an adult who made a few bad choices, and I will take full responsiblity.

At least at this point in my life I can see & admit that I failed this week. I could beat myself up for it or learn from it and move forward. The more upset I get with myself the more I just want to throw in the towel and call it quits. Like with any addiction you have set backs, most people at one point or another relapse. Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start.

Here is to knowing that tomorrow will be better...

Happy Early Hump Day!

Hope everyone is having a good week so far, mine has been OK. Did my weigh-in yesterday at work and was down 1 pound. I was happy with that since I was not really follow a diet program last week since I was getting over being sick. Total now...7.7 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks! Feeling better this week and doing well sticking to the program.

I had a heart to heart conversation last night with a good friend and we discussed our relationships with men. She is going through a break-up and is having a hard time dealing with it...I can relate! As most of you know, I went through a bad break up several, and I mean several years ago. To this day, I am still having a hard time dealing with it. I wont bore you all with details, but the reason I am telling you this is because it was the main root of my weight gain during my 20's. Food was my best friend, my comfort, and something I could go home to & cry with. I build up a wall so I could not get hurt again. Then when the my weight got heavier it became my shield against people/men. They would not want to date a fat girl, score for me...I could not get hurt again! So this became "my thing" stay heavy, men wont talk to you, so in the long run I cant get hurt again.

I told my friend last night to not do what I did. I have wasted so many years on this one person hurting me, that I have lost so many years for myself. I am finally ready to break that shield and let someone in, but first I have to be OK with myself. I feel like an onion right now peeling away the layers of crap that I have been holding onto for so long. All the bad choices in my life (not just the main one) but all the people that I let push me around & step on me...I am over it! It is time for me to live my life & not think about what other people think...or even care what they think. I have lost so many years...I am not losing one more day!!!

Good Day...

Sorry I have not written in a few days. Work is busy as always, and just been coming home and crashing. I have been better on the crying this week, had a small melt down Friday at work. I was trying to find a weekend that I can go home for a TECH football game & both weekends I am looking at another co-worker is already taking that Friday off. I really don't want to fly all the way there Saturday & have to turn right back around on Sunday, and being out on a Monday just sucks. Not sure what we will do, guess I will have to talk with the bosses on Monday. GOOD NEWS...my mom booked my flight for 4th of July!!! So excited to go home & see the folks brand new house that should be done in a week or so!!!

I am back on my "modified" diet, and re-started a lower dose of Phentermine today. So far today, just one mild headache that was taken care of with Motrin. Woke up early this morning and ran some errands and was back and ready for the pool by 9:45. Had a good turn out today at the pool and met a new resident that just moved in. Was back by 12:45 and then off to my Saturday nap. Just laid low tonight, made Grilled Chicken & broccoli for dinner and watch Mama Mia & Juno!

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend so far...tomorrow for me...MORE POOL! Most summers I dread getting into a swimsuit, but this year...bring it on!

Feeling much better...

Today I woke up feeling about a 3 or 4 on the sick scale. Had an off again on again headache most of the day, thanks to Motrin I am feeling better. No nausea today, which was a nice surprise!

Yesterday & today I ate all 3 meals with "regular" food, trying to get myself back to normal...or whatever that feels like. Just sticking with a low calorie diet, and I am thinking tomorrow or at least by Friday I should be back feel speed ahead.

During this time I am trying to figure out why I eat or why I turned to food as comfort. Food has always been my companion when I feel sad, happy, alone, or all of the above. When I get mad, I just want to eat everything in sight. When I am sad, I crave comfort food...reminds me of home.

My mom & I laughed tonight as an information packet I had requested a few weeks back came in the mail today. Thank God it did not come last week when I was having my breakdown. It is about pre-planning your funeral. *I know people think I am crazy sometimes, but its not my funeral I am planning* As most of you know my dad has been in poor health over the years and does not seem to be getting better. Him & I have discussed over the past few years what he would like to have done, and what I would like to see happen when that time comes. Well, now that I am telling him the cost of things he is getting really "short" with me and telling me to just cremate him and put him in cookie jar! He told me to just look at the bottom of the Dallas Morning News for "those cheap funeral homes" and have them take care of it. I told him that I am not calling Jim Bob's Crematorium & asking what the daily special is!!! I keep telling him, this is not about him. Its about what my sister & I are going to want to remember...not that Daddy picked out the nicest cardboard box!!

In the past I would have shut down & turned to food to comfort me during this time. Tonight, I have not turned to food for comfort...I came here instead. I have to figure out a way to deal with my emotions without turning to food for the answer. Last week when I was at my lowest I went and got my nails done to get my mind off things. I wonder what other people do to get there mind off their problems & not turn to food.

I cant wait to get back on the diet full time again...this time without the meltdown!

Night Night for now...

Staying on track...

So glad tomorrow is Wednesday...

I met with my doctor this morning & weighed at the office. Now mind you I weighed at home this morning, first thing, no clothes on a scale that I have used forever that I love...I was down 6.7 pounds since last Sunday. Went to the office, stayed clothed and I was only down 4 pounds...either way I am happy with any loss. I am having a hard time keeping my scrub pants up...that's a good sign!

Our new scale at the office weighs your fat weight, water weight, and muscle weight. That is the best thing about getting on that scale...LOL. I went from 89.5 to 86.5 pounds in fat weight, 76.5 to 76 pounds in water weight, and I went from 55.5 to 54.5 pounds of muscle. So that is great news...not all water weight!!!

Still not feeling so hot today. Headaches are still around as well as the nausea. Hartley & I discussed me stopping the diet pills for right now and getting me feeling better before we discuss that anymore. I am going from the full liquid diet to a modified version to were I will have shakes & a bar during the day and then a 550 calorie dinner. I think this will help me with my headaches, and still allow me to get the great results of this diet. It has been a proven diet that works...so I am going to push through another week & praying for another great loss this week!

I am off to watch TV and relaxed, just took some more Motrin. Just like with any diet, it takes getting used to and might have some curve balls. I am going to keep fighting forward and beat this battle!

Day 3 & I feel like its the last day...

Well today was not a good day...

I got up, had my morning shake, did some house work, took my meds around 10, then headed to the pool. Had a nice time relaxing enjoying the sun for about 45 mins then the headaches started again. So I packed up and went upstairs. Took some more Motrin (I think I am keeping them in business) and tried to relax. Had another shake thinking that maybe it was a hunger headache...that did not help. By this point I had enough and went to lay down. Now the room is spinning and I feel like I am car sick (best way to describe) so I threw my hands in the air, and called Jessi.

I called her and told to meet me at On The Border and I was going to eat something besides a shake or a power bar. I love their Kids Grilled Chicken Plate...chicken breast, side of black beans & a dinner salad=230 calories! Perfect...my head was feeling better & I was ready for a nap. I took a pretty long nap this afternoon and felt much better when I woke up around 4:45ish.

Then came 7:00pm again...and no surprise headache is back, nausea is back (no vomiting yet) and just feel like I could fall over and play dead. Took a hot bath and now ready for bed.

I am not saying this diet is a bad diet, it just works different with different people. Some people do great on Weight Watchers, while some excel on Atkins Diet/South Beach. Everyones body is different. So, I am heading in early to work tomorrow to weigh-in and discuss the next step with my doctor.

Of course typical me...I AM A LOSER, I CANT DO IT, ITS TO HARD, NOTHING WILL EVER WORK is running through my head. And I know that there are people that will look at me and say "told you it would not work" I am going to prove you all wrong!! Whether its this diet or another this weight is coming off!!!! I have had the jump start with the 5.7 loss this week and I have my mojo back to stay focused...FOCUS :) haha!

So, stay tuned for tomorrows update after seeing the doctor.

Day 2...

5.7 pounds!!!!!!

I was so happy this morning to get on the scale and see that I had lost 5.7 pounds in a week...how great is that!

Went to Sherman today to spend time with Daddy for his birthday. We went to church together which I know he loves when my sister or I can go with him. For those that dont know, this is the church that we grew up in. Most of the members have known me since I was just a little kid sitting at the front enjoying Childrens Time. It was so wonderful to see these faces that I had not seen in a few years. They made me feel like I had never left.

This diet, and other things have turned me into this crying mess. Today driving up old Hwy 289 I cried. Passed some spots that I remember from when I was a kid. Today during worship they introduced the Class of 2010 graduates. The minister said that no matter where you go to school, no matter where you get a job, or no matter where you move off to you will always have a place here. That is how I felt today, like I was still that little kid getting ready for Children's Time.

Today I wish I was that kid again, and that I could just start over. I would do things so different in my life. I might have taken a different path in my life. I do know for one thing, I would have never let my weight take over my life. I kick myself everyday for letting it get out of control. People in my life have always said encouraging words on how to help me. I aways thought I had it "under control" I sure was wrong. Why did I not listen, all they were doing was trying to help me...and now look at me...I am a mess.

Yesterday I started taking Phentermine, a diet medication to help with my cravings. Yesterday evening around 7:00ish I got this horrible headache, then the nausea kicked in and away to the bathroom I went. I thought it was just the bad ice tea I had picked up from McDonald's as a treat to myself. Well, tonight around 7:00ish it hit again and away I went. Can blame the tea this time. So, come Tuesday I think my doctor and I might need to re-evaluated this. I can handle my tummy growling, but when the headaches kick in and the room starts spinning...I am done.

But, on a happy note...Daddy & I were joined by some wonderful friends today for lunch. The Buechler's & Pinon family. The "ladies" of the table discussed our diet owes over the years, and what has work..and well you know what happens if they dont :) It was great to talk with them. You always feel like you are in a battle by yourself, and people tell you all the time "Oh I understand, Oh I have been there" It really does help. *And I enjoyed 4 oz of grilled catfish and brocolli for lunch & lots of water!

So, I think it is time for me to call it a day. Thinking about going to the pool again tomorrow, but just laying around the house watching TV sounds good too. Oh, and a nap goes without saying. Thanks for everyone who sent me notes yesterday after the first blog. I really did this as a place for me to vent and discuss what I am feeling, but maybe I can help someone not go down the same path or even better...we can start a new path together.